Determination

[I wrote this IG post on the train ride down this past Friday, but didn’t have a convenient means to post on this blog till now.]

After months of being kind of hermit-y and not going into NYC to work and visit friends and family, I am right now on a train headed toward Penn Station. It’s funny because my normal state of being tends easily toward self-isolation. I can and I have spent two weeks alone without setting foot off my property before, and my pantry is always overstocked as a norm.

But I mentioned shark energy recently entering my life, and I have been sitting with it regularly, asking myself, how does this energy want to move forward and be expressed? Well, I have been getting answers that certain other aspects of me were not expecting and are even a bit uncomfortable with. What I have been noticing, being with this flow, is that there is an energetic circuit not being completed right now, and it is building this structural tension within me.

While I have been reconnecting with my yoga practice these last few months, and it has been truly fun and fulfilling in many different ways, the fact is that yoga is an individual, internal practice, especially since I prefer it to be slow rather than vigorous. Everyone for the most part stays on their own mat, as it should be.

And yet, there is something in me that wants to get up in the air, move with wild abandon, make pretty shapes, and—believe it or not (because I can barely believe it myself)—be seen. I also want to gawk at other people doing amazing things with their bodies, instead of minding my own business on the mat.

So shark energy has shaken me from all the excuses keeping me away from my trapeze practice for almost two whole years: that it is expensive, that it is too far away, that it is impractical to try and fly right now, what’s the use if I can’t fly regularly, that I won’t be in good enough shape to hold my set, etc etc. Honestly, coronavirus and the obvious lack of social distancing on a rig is just the topping on the fear and excuse layer cake I’d been building.

Shark has also been getting me back into strength and conditioning classes, even though I’d wanted not to have to push myself too hard and experience the discomfort of being too weak to do certain things that used to be easy for me, and feeling sore afterward.

This morning I woke up to so much crazy news, and I am glad I planned for enough time to sit and center and rebalance before hopping on the train. The invitation of uncertain situations is always for us to find the point of neutrality within, and make decisions from that point, rather than from fear or denial / ungrounded optimism (which is really one of fear’s many disguises).

Can I look at the current situation in its face, and keep moving forward in a way that is true and aligned with my inner flow? Can I be mindful enough not to rub my eyes or touch my face without washing my hands? Can I maintain emotional balance as I stay abreast of scientific information and heed medical advice, by accessing the deep trust in my ability to handle whatever comes my way?

Guidance from the I Ching counsels me to hold my energy steady in negative circumstances, while also taking care not to be foolhardy. This is the balancing act of this weekend.