Last year the infinity symbol started coming into my meditations and with it a surprising thread of learning on paradox and polarity. It was another one of those situations where I had no real context for the lesson—I hadn’t consciously called it in—but it was interesting and enjoyable nonetheless.

Early this year during a client session the Akashic Records brought in the infinity symbol and tied it explicitly to the concept of balance, showing that the point of paradox in the center of all that polarity was also the natural point of balance. As we sat in that Void, that space of pure potential (nothing and everything), I suddenly started to become aware of every single point on the curve of infinity as different points of experience, each equally valid and fruitful to learn from.

I have been working with this tool during these times, populating each point with all the different experiences I am encountering with friends and family and hearing about in the news and social media—people dying, people falling ill, people panicking, people denying anything is wrong [edited to remove judgment: who see nothing wrong going on] , people being optimistic, people who must continue working, people who can’t work, people falling on hard economic times, people adapting, people finding new business opportunities, people enjoying being home, people being bored and restless, people scared about the future, people excited for a new and better world to emerge, etc etc etc.

In the beginning, this exercise can bring up all kinds of uncomfortable feelings, including pain. I understand certain positions more than others, some of which I have a hard time even imagining. I let my mind do its grappling as I expand around it all. My intention is to be able to hold everything in love, but right now I’m aiming for compassionate neutrality, so I don’t fall into judgment, sympathy (looking down upon with pity), or even empathy (sinking to someone else’s level). Eventually I feel my breath join the One Breath, my heart beat in time to the One Heart. I can then hold all these experiences in the oneness while recognizing that “we are all in this together,” yet we really inhabit our own very different worlds.

It’s challenging to put into words the energetic experience of the balance point, where there is no “good” or “bad,” no “right” or “wrong.” Here is Truth and relativity. And as soon as I write those sentences, the structure already wants to collapse into the duality of “reasonable” and “crazy.” This is a balancing act.

Yet as I stick with the exercise, my current position in the infinity loop emerges into consciousness, and the emotional charge that it brings arises too: GUILT. Who am I not to be suffering during these times? I had felt myself needing to come into further alignment before being able to deepen my service to others, and voila, my sticking point, my learning edge.

If I can allow that others have their own learning experience through this pandemic, I must allow myself to have my own experience, which is no more nor less valid than anyone else’s. It is the lesson of the woodpecker, which continues to knock outside my window, and the lesson of my breath in yoga class. As much as I value keeping my own rhythm, I worry about being so out of time that one day I’ll become utterly incomprehensible to others. There is a bit of reasoning involved to loosen the guilt, but mostly I work on releasing the underlying belief and its tightness into the expansiveness around me.

I’m sharing this tool for those who find themselves with the time and inclination to do some shadow work and expansion work (the one always leads to the other, and vice versa). There are other ways to use it, which I won’t get into right now, and no doubt if you start working with it, it will reveal even more to you. Do report back if this happens and enjoy the journey!


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