Roominess

I’ve been sitting with a bit of a mystery this week, where words / images / feelings related to “cocoon” or “birth canal” will pop into my consciousness during meditation or daily life, as if I needed reminding that I’m in a hermit phase. I go into these phases periodically, but there’ve been a couple unusual things this time round.

First, the protective sheath I usually feel around me during these times isn’t very perceptible. In the past, I’d often felt quite vulnerable during times I’ve shed layers into formlessness, but this time there isn’t that feeling of tenderness needing protection. In place of a shield, there seems to be spaciousness—energetic space between my fields and whatever is not meshing with me right now.

Second, I usually am able to discern a motion of energy that I can then follow to give some shape to my experience: the aim of healing this or that, the ambition to attain this or that… And when I’ve lacked coordinates, I simply rode the wave of disorientation, because that too is a flow, and I eventually learned that to resist worsened the nausea.

Yet I am not disoriented. My feet feel firmly planted on the ground. I feel steady. I am observing and tracking flows, but have no idea what they are amounting to. I know that earlier this summer I remarked to myself (and here to you) that it felt like I was spinning the biggest cocoon for myself ever, but I don’t think I fully anticipated what that would feel like.

Today’s meditation showed me the source of my confusion: I expected a cocoon or a womb or a birth canal to feel constrictive, almost in a comforting way. Actually, my Akashic Records showed me the image of a cattle chute. It held the energy of “just point me in the right direction and I’ll dutifully go down that path.” And that is not what is resonating with my soul right now. Baked into my prayers is the desire to “dance on my highest path,” so why would there be any sort of constriction involved?

This summer a great deal of the internal work I’ve been doing is identifying resistance and triggers more quickly than ever and doing my best to dismantle them immediately. Who am I without all this worry? I have no idea, but it’s funny and a little sad to remember the time when I was the highest strung person I knew.

Without those energetic blocks, there is all this space, and it is almost like when I send a question out it takes awhile longer for the answer to reverberate back to me, because all those old walls that pinged back easy and clear answers are no longer there. It’s like I’m taking an energetic tour of a much bigger house than I‘m used to, each time I ask a question.

I’ve been rolling around some thoughts around service from the head / heart / gut that I think hook into all this, but I’ve banged on long enough, and at this moment I am simply grateful for this space to come to a lot of insight that I didn’t have at the beginning of this post. Thank you for giving me the space to explore and share. More soon.