Achieving personal sovereignty is a hard-won battle for most of us. Nothing exposes our internal limitations more readily than the tendency to recreate the external limits we thought we were so eager to escape. Yesterday I mentioned how I fled to South America trying to get away from my stifling life in NYC, but was eventually disenchanted to discover that I’d managed to drag all my shit down there with me. It shouldn’t have been a surprise. Running away never works when the root of the problem lies within.
Less dramatically, I saw this happen again when I fought to own my time only to resort—maybe out of mere habit, but likely because of comfort—to building restrictive schedules for myself. Here’s another funny tendency: feeling like I should be using my free time to enjoy more, learn more, grow more, etc etc. This is just imposing the same energy of “work” under the guise of freedom and play. The belief is that even free time has to somehow be self-enriching in very obvious ways.
As a grad student this came up as “Why am I not going through Shakespeare’s complete works? Or making my way through the western canon?” Or else, “Why am I not going for a run and getting into better shape?” Or even, “Why am I not enjoying all that NYC has to offer?” In youth work this came up as “I should rest more so I can be even more productive and effective in my service to others.” Or “I need to play more because I keep hearing it’s good to connect to my inner child.”
When we start butting up against these uncomfortable but super interesting observations about ourselves, we’ve started a fruitful path of self inquiry. The trick is not copping out and returning to old habits because it is the comfortable, acceptable, safe thing to do. This is where we take a deep breath, gather our best inner resources, and begin the real work. Stay tuned for more!
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