A few weeks ago I started feeling myself in some whirling energy and when I checked with my Akashic Records I was shown a whirlpool and given the word “roiling.” That’s not a word I drop in my everyday language but it hit me viscerally, and I recognized the roiling motion of the energy both around me and in my gut. It had been awhile since I’d found myself with no stable ground to stand on.
The last time I felt anything close to this motion I was suffering from burnout and grief, desperately trying to keep my head above water. Eventually I hit complete adrenal exhaustion and ran out of fight. And as I felt myself sink to the bottom, I was overcome by a sense of relief. Then surprise hit: underwater I could breathe, and here was peace.
That was my first true lesson in grace, and I thought I’d learned it well till I caught myself fighting the flow once more. Why wasn’t I willing to surrender? Well, I had a lot of fight left in me still. Looking back, I had no choice but to give in to the flow when I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually depleted. But here I was struggling mightily because I could, and because I foolishly assumed I could think or do my way out of the roiling.
This time around I had to actively choose grace again and again, and catch myself whenever I wanted anything to be other than it was. I had a huge question weighing on me, and I simply had to accept that it would probably keep me off balance till I came to an answer or one found me.
Grace is always available and that is abundantly clear when things are “good” and flowing. Grace can be more challenging to open to, but is just as available, when life feels like it’s falling apart. For me, it’s been a whole other experience opening to grace when things are just kinda bumpy—nothing “bad” is happening, I’m not at rock bottom. And from this middling place, I still choose to end my suffering because it’s the self compassionate thing to do. I don’t wait for grace to be granted or pray for it and hope I’m worthy enough to receive it. The decision now is conscious and empowered: I give myself to grace.