I still don’t really know how to talk about this fully, but I experienced a tremendous, miraculous shift recently in one of the most important and most challenging relationships in my life. This is something I have been working on for decades, and we’ve both been in therapy individually and together, gone to an alternative healer together, and I’ve sought so many intuitive readings on this. This summer my Akashic Records finally told me: “Stop trying to ‘fix’ this relationship because it keeps you focused on the problem. You walk alone now.” The accompanying image was of me walking my path without so much as a look backward, with the promise that sometime this fall I would reach a level of mastery where I could regard this person with brand new eyes.
This was not easy guidance to receive, but I kept my distance this summer. Then two days ago tragedy struck. My inner child flew into rage and I just let it all out: all the despicable things I wanted to say, I said (in private). And having emptied myself out, I prayed for guidance, and a whole bunch of synchronicities led me to holding this person, physically and emotionally, in love.
I learned that the love that I had been craving all these years, which I thought was my birthright, was something this person was not even able to give to herself. And if she could muster even a bit of that kind of love, I’d much rather she give it to herself than to me. In that moment of realization, it was like a page was turned and I found myself on new energetic ground. Decades of hurt was transformed into unconditional love.
It was also a profoundly humbling moment because I realized that I myself had been withholding that sort of expansive love in my efforts to express my needs and defend my boundaries. I teach in Dreamers and Schemers that the Other is always, in some way, the mirror of the Self, and how I missed this glaringly obvious truth astounds me. I am still coming to #peace with the fact that I am learning at my own pace and I did need to establish distance and defenses to arrive at this place.
The funny thing is that I had expectations of what a healed relationship would look like, how we would act toward each other, how I would feel. And this resolution is NOTHING like I’d imagined. But that is the miracle of a true shift: it really brings about an entirely new reality that can be so surprising, but feels so right.
In the past I never felt or believed it when this person told me she loved me unconditionally, but the other day my heart opened to accept it. But I also know that it isn’t just her love, but a truck full of grace and my own willingness to step into Beginner’s Mind so our relationship could start on fresh ground without so much baggage that helped me step into this new flow.
It still moves me to tears to consider all this, but I wanted to share, in case anyone out there needed to hear this today or store it away for future reference. Miracles do happen. Today I feel so blessed.