The Fool’s Journey

Late last November I was sitting in meditation and had the distinct feeling that I should drop everything I was working on and clear the decks. For what, I had no idea. This had been a growing sense at the margins of my awareness for a some weeks prior, but it hit me with a sudden force while I was meditating, and when I felt more consciously into it, my body felt an immediate sense of relief even though my mind was protesting. The message to wind down Dreamers & Schemers was clear, though for no good “reason” and with nothing to fill its place.

To be honest, I felt a little sheepish springing the news on the group: “Not sure why, but I need to stop doing this, and I have no idea what’s coming next or when.” What I did know is that I’ve been wanting to take my work with others to a different level, to support them in getting to a more deeply connected place within themselves. I had hoped Dreamers & Schemers would evolve into that. The mind, of course, wants to chart a safe and comfortable course: “I won’t leave A until I have B.” But internally that just felt so wrong. I knew I had to start on completely new ground, and I also knew how I’d do that. So after our final gathering at the year end, I drew in all my energy to cocoon.

No Man’s Land is kind of a familiar place to me these days, even thought it feels a little different every time. The first time was the worst. It was the black abyss that gaped at me when I decided to leave academia. But when I finally gave into that call I discovered that the Place of Nothing was exactly where I needed to be. The stillness and the silence nourished me. I’d expected to drown, but instead I found my breath again.

My second sally into No Man’s Land was when I shut down my youth work because I was too grief-stricken and burned out to keep things going. It broke my heart and bruised my ego to do so, but all signs internal and external pointed to rest. Dreamers & Schemers is what came out of that period of deep rest and doing nothing but letting go of decades of maladaptive habits of mind.

This time felt like a relative cinch because I’ve established sturdy levels of trust in both myself and the flow of life. Which isn’t to say that I wasn’t disoriented for a good two months. December was challenging because I suddenly felt what I think of as my inner antenna go silent, and I couldn’t so much as sit in meditation for five minutes. I think I was recalibrating because shortly after New Year I felt my crown chakra light back up and then I felt all sorts of new energies stream in at all hours of the day. Sometimes I would literally have to drop whatever I was doing to sit and meditate because the energy would be so thick around me. I tried to sort out what was going on, but that only gave me headaches, so I decided to open it all, trusting that it would make sense to me eventually. When I made this decision, headaches that pain relievers could not relieve ceased.

By early February, things started to become clear. I experienced a great opening in connection with Nature, and I began offering integration packages to Akashic Record clients. In March, I finally felt like I’d gotten the green light to start teaching others how to connect to the Records on their own. It had been something I’d been wanting to do for months and months, but the timing never felt right. But once I decided to do this in mid-March, everything lined up rather quickly.

In my haste I set the date for the first Sunday everyone seemed available: April 1. It was only belatedly that I realized that it would not only be April Fool’s Day, but Easter. I worried every so slightly about this, but as I was washing dishes, I asked about it, and my intuition flashed an image of the Fool card from the Rider-Waite tarot deck. There he was, in full color, traveling light, about to walk off the edge of a cliff, with the sun shining at his back and his trusty dog by his side. La la la, I have no idea what’s going to happen, but I think it’s gonna be great! My intuition also sent me a few bars of “Qué será será,” and I knew that April 1 would be an auspicious day for the initiation. We would be birthing ourselves anew and undertaking a new journey into parts unknown.

As it happened, I woke up that morning later than I wanted, and I didn’t have enough time or presence of mind to work in my Records. I actually tried twice, and also attempted just to sit and meditate for a few minutes, but I was too jittery to do much more than set up the space, take a few breaths, and hope for the best. It’s awfully funny to be on the brink of teaching people how to work in their Records when I couldn’t even manage to connect with mine. But I heard the message: Trust yourself. You don’t need any more guidance.

The rest, as they say, is history. We don’t have a firm roadmap ahead, but so far the plan is to keep this fledgling practice going with regular study calls. I’m really excited for this unfolding!

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