So I wasn’t even a full twenty four hours out of my retreat when I was hit by the spiritual equivalent of a Mack truck. Funny how these things work. I had ideas of easing back into things, but the Universe decided to dish it out all at once. My mistake for thinking I had already “leveled up” over the holiday season and was getting ready to embark on a new leg of this journey. Nope. I am in the thick of battling my Big Boss right now. And he is so much bigger than I expected.
I’m taking things moment by moment, and right now things are not as dark as they seemed just two days ago. I am reorienting myself once more and deciding what kind of life to create this year. I realized I’ve been redesigning my life yearly since 2011. On the one hand, as someone who prizes personal autonomy above all else (if it isn’t my top priority in life, it certainly is number two), this is a dream and a privilege. But on the other, it requires stripping everything down, if not to the foundation, at least to the studs. It’s unsettling, exhausting, and terrifying dismantling the old with only a nebulous idea of what will take its place.
Although I am currently disconnected from my intuition, I still have my sense of joy, and I’m letting it guide me as I fumble through my days. I stay away from what saddens or drains me and I seek out what makes my heart swell. I realized that doing the “adult” thing and building my business sucked all the joy from my work. So for now I am pulling back from hammering out a business plan, building a client pipeline, writing proposals, etc. I’m returning to the root of my work, and reconnecting with the love that brought me to it in the first place: This year I will talk with young people about their lives, make them feel seen, heard, and held, so they can go forth into the world and shine.
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